March 2, 2012

Trifextra, Weekend Six

This week's Trifextra challenge was to write a story in 33 words starting with the line: "The phone rang at 4 am".  I can't believe there already exist 19 other entries. Zoinks!


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Lost

The phone rang at 4 am.

"Um, ya?" I answered huskily.

"Mom? Mom!"

Static on the line.

“Hello? Hello?!”

Nothing. A click and ... nothing.

My kid, missing for weeks, was somewhere. Out there.

Up.

Jeans,

jacket,

shoes.

Keys,

car.

**********

33 comments:

  1. This is great. I love the way that you write here. You deserve to be among the top three for this prompt, in my own humble opinion. This is really well-done. You have captured the emotions of the characters perfectly. I could picture everything so clearly in my mind. I really liked this story.

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    1. Thank you very much for the strong compliment. I'm only realising that procrastinating the weekend stories -- especially the 33 word ones -- just makes things painful. I'm glad I've gotten this one out already! Thanks again for such lovely words.

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  2. Desperation in the way you spread out the last 6 words, plus "out there". No ending, because she's just going. Really liked this one, so much.
    Came from the Trifextra linkup.

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    1. Thanks very much. It wasn't easy picking out just six words. I'm glad you came by. (Congrats for last week ... I only get headaches, but meds don't work so I'm in them for about 4 days at a stretch. You caught the night time agony quite succinctly.)

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    2. It's hard to be so limited in the word count...I'm wordy, so this challenge is particularly challenging. You did so well.
      And thanks for the congrats!

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    3. Oh, I'm totally wordy!!! I can't stop talking. (Perhaps I haven't blessed you with one of my longer-than-blog comments yet?! Sometimes I can't help myself.) Of course people are always welcome to (nicely) tell me they don't prefer long comments but so far nobody has so I blather on ... on topic I hope!

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  3. Replies
    1. Thank you Guapola. I am usually rather wordy, so these short ones are very enjoyable and freeing.

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  4. Oh my gosh - panic. I need to know what happens next!

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    1. Right?! I still can't breathe, and it is now about 24 hours later.

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  5. Karen, this was starkly realistic. My sister has encountered this, and it's every parent's nightmare they hope never comes... First time on your blog, thanks to Trifecta! Peace, Amy Barlow Liberatore
    http://sharplittlepencil.com/2012/03/03/the-call/

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    1. Thanks Amy. I have flown a bit too close to the subject, but fortunately not with a family member. It's hard, yo. I'm coming to see yours now.

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  6. Nice way to end it. I just hope she turns around at the car realizing that there's really no where to go and that the phone is her friend right now. You captured my interest right away... great write.

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    1. Thank you Booguloo. I am with you. I would likely not run out and troll, especially if the kid is approaching adulthood. Painful though that may be. But I know that I don't really know what I'd do unless I were in that particular pair of shoes.

      Thanks for the compliment.

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  7. This one is crazy good. I like how the dialogue, so brief, is also so descriptive. I like the story and the suspense. Excellent.
    ps-I also like the word "Zoinks!" in your introduction to this piece. I think "zoinks" would be a great prompt...just sayin'.

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    1. Wow, thank you so much. I'm glad it worked for you.

      I love the word zoinks, and derivatives of it. I think I love those words even more in written form than in spoken, although when Josie or one of the pussycats say one I do get all happy inside too.

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  8. Replies
    1. but did you see the picture on the post BEFORE this one?! o.0 Because I was super grateful to you for ONLY saying frigging on that video. My kids were totally into it, especially the youngest, who fancies himself a guitar player extraordinaire. You are his biggest influence at present. <3

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    1. Thank you. I love words like wowzer. But you probably already knew that.

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  10. Dude, you kill with the tension. L-O-V-E

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    1. It is merely a reflection of my innards. Wait till you meet me.

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  11. Thanks so much for linking up to Trifextra. Remember, this weekend’s entries are being judged by the Trifecta community, so make sure you visit the site at the close of the challenge to vote. Our linking service will not allow you to vote for a link from the same computer where it was submitted, so plan ahead! Voting closes 12 hours after the close of the challenge. Winners will be announced with the Monday post. Hope to see you back then.

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  12. The urgency in that "Mom, mom" makes you hope, wish, the phone is traceable, like a cell perhaps.

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    1. Right? I think that was the most intimate line for me. It broke my heart a little.

      Thing is, despite growing up in an ever-changing technological world, I remain rather in-and-out-of-touch. For example, I don't have call display because I love that element of surprise, and also I often will play a game where I guess who is calling before I answer. I don't want to lose that instinctual thing. (I don't wear a watch for the same reason.)

      But it means I forget that most people use those tools, like tracing calls, much more frequently than before.

      Some other story, a reader (was it you?) noticed that the call seemed to have gone to voice mail. Again, I didn't pick up on that smart, smart clue.

      Thankful for comments that help interpret stories, right?!

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  13. Scary, but great. Or great because it's so scary.

    Computers, ick--I just copied my address in here, because it said to, and it threw in (WordPress) with, I suppose an "illegal space" and I can't seem to get rid of it. Whatever, great story is what I mean to say.

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    1. Thanks.

      Computers drive me crazy. I'm glad you told me of your tribulation while commenting, I'm the perfect person to share with as I share those mundane bits quite liberally myself. Solidarity!

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  14. Oh, as a mom, my heart is in my throat.

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    1. Ya. If you really want to get the best read on this (in my opinion) read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I believe it to be an excellent primer on parenting and modern relationships ... and getting through familial addiction issues in some semblance of in tact.

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  15. Replies
    1. Thanks so much! Yes. Interesting, I had not thought of it as an awake nightmare, the worst, worst kind. Glad you said so.

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  16. Any parent will go cold, reading this. The set of single action words at the end works very well.

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    1. Thanks for the compliment. The awesome thing about having such a tight word count is following that few words to where they take you, right?

      My children are still pretty young, so we are years off of this kind of worry, I hope.

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