April 30, 2010

sadness ... ugh, life

I'm super sad tonight.  There are a few reasons ...

I went to an event last week that should have been joyful, but because I am in conflict with the celebrants, it was an empty experience.

I should have attended a dinner tonight but I am in conflict with a couple of the organisers. I sent my family, but really feel the disconnect of not being present in my community.

Of course, these are things somewhat within my control, and I know I can take actions that will make things easier for myself.  But at what cost?  I'm just not sure how I am going to get to a place of less conflict, and still stay true to myself. 

It is really hard to strike a balance between protecting one's self from bullying and the inappropriate behaviours of others, especially in situations where you can't easily avoid the individuals later. 

I hate to admit it, but I have been estranged from my dad for a year because I couldn't manage my feelings around certain behaviours any longer. A third conflict in my life.  In all of these situations, I've protected myself but, in doing so, my world is feeling pretty unsafe.

And then there's this other nagging question: am I overprotective, and paranoid, and maybe nobody did nuttin' to me, that I am a major over-reactor and an irritant?  Maybe I make all my own trouble?

I wish I could be funny and witty about this stuff like one of my favourite bloggers, my new Aunt Becky.  Her posts keep me out of the sauce because she is so damned funny.

Here's the thing:  If I am having all these conflict issues, I must be doing something wrong, or probably I could do something better?  (Oh, I think I might need an attitude adjustment ... therapy anyone?)

And so. I have resolved to start somewhere.

Ultimately, I need to find a better way forward. Conflict with others is not new to me, because I am the kind of person who steps in the stinky stuff all the time. I just don't have the filters to not say stuff.  But it is not a great way to live.  It gets kind of lonely.

Oops.  My kids and husband are home.  The sadness lifts so easily when the house is full.  I have to run.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Karen, I'm finally pulling my head out of my behind and catching up with your stuff. I love your writing - so immediate and open.

    As a fellow filter-challenged gal, I'm with you. It's a constant cycle of self-reflection and assessment. People are exhausting.